How To Dominate Your Man In The Bedroom (He REALLY Wants You To)
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to dominate your usually-dominant partner.
8 Ways To Dominate Your Partner If They’re Usually The Dominant One
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to dominate your usually-dominant partner.
Q: “So, my partner is the dominant one in the bedroom, and generally that works really well for us. The thing is, I think a part of him would like to be submissive on occasion. And as much as I love being submissive, I’d like to mix it up and try being dominant. I’ve tried getting on top of him and pinning him down, but it doesn’t work — we just start laughing because he’s so much stronger than I am. How can I dominate him if I don’t physically have the strength to do it? I don’t want to do anything too crazy, just be the boss. Are there things I can do to surprise him in the moment, or should we talk about it beforehand? We’re pretty good at talking about sex, but I worry that telling him beforehand would take all of the sex appeal out of trying to dominate him.”
A: Thanks for the question! It’s great that you and your partner have found a dynamic that works for both of you, but I think you’re right that it can be hot to try shaking it up every once in awhile. The most important thing for you to know is that domination doesn’t have to be physical domination. You can be dominant without putting a finger on your partner.
In terms of whether or not to talk about it beforehand, it really depends on what you want to do. Some of the ideas below are things you could try out in the moment, while others are more involved. If you think your partner wouldn’t take your attempts to be dominant seriously in the moment, I definitely recommend talking about it beforehand. Say something like, “I love the dynamic we have, but I think it could be really hot to boss you around every once in awhile. You think you can handle me?” In general, I don’t think talking about sexual stuff beforehand takes away the sex appeal. I think talking about what you’re going to do together can be an unbelievably hot tease!
Here are eight ideas for dominating your dominant partner.
Be Straightforward
Perhaps the easiest way to introduce the idea of dominating your partner is simply to tell them, “I’m going to be the one in control tonight.” You can do this in the moment itself, then take control. Or you can introduce the idea when your partner is being the dominant one by saying something like, “You’re in control tonight, babe, but I’ve got a surprise coming for you tomorrow.”
Use Authoritative Language
If you’re not going to be dominant physically, you have to convey your dominance in other ways. Language is one of the best examples. Tell your partner what you want, directly, with no apologies or explanations. Use a clear, firm voice. As women, we’re socialized to be polite and careful with our language, so it can be really fun to throw that caution to the wind. If you’re not sure you’ll be able to pull this off in the moment, try practicing on your own or in front of a mirror.
Initiate Sex
Another simple way to dominate your partner is to initiate sex when you want it. After all, there’s nothing more dominant than stating what you want, with confidence. This is also easy to do in the moment without any planning — just grab your partner and say, “Get into the bedroom right now.” (If you want to be really bossy, try saying, “I won’t take no for an answer” — though of course, this will only work for couples who have had conversations about boundaries and consent, and who have a safe word.)
From there, keep the dominance going by telling your partner, “You’re going to do what I tell you to do, and only what I tell you to do.” You can give specific directions like, “Take off your clothes” or, “Go down on me.” You can also give your partner boundaries or rules. For example, you can forbid your partner from touching you, or you can make them ask for permission before doing anything specific.
Dole Out “Punishments”
If your partner doesn’t obey your directions, you may want to punish them. Most people think of whips and paddles when they hear the word punishment, but you can be much tamer if you’d like. For example, if your partner does something they’re not supposed to do, you could stop touching them, move your body away from them, or put some of your clothes back on.
Make Them Earn It
You can also make your partner do tasks to earn your attention. You can always tell your partner about this beforehand by saying something like, “You know, I think I’m too easy on you. I need to make you work a little harder to get into my pants. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make you really earn it.”
Or you can do it in the moment. When you and your partner are both at home, for example, secretly slip into a sexy outfit. When your partner sees you, say something like, “Before you get to play with me, I have a few things I need you to do.”
Try Dominant Sex Positions
Sex positions can be another great way to play around with dominance. You don’t need to physically overpower your partner when you’re dominating them, but plenty of positions let you be in control of the movement. Try cowgirl or reverse cowgirl. If your partner starts trying to take the lead, stop and say, “No, I’m in control here. You be still.” Another idea: Have your partner lie flat on their back and straddle their face. Talk about a power move.
Control Their Orgasm
Another hot way to be dominant is to take control of your partner’s orgasmic timing. You can go down on them, and once you feel them starting to get close, stop. Say something like, “I don’t think I’m going to let you do that just yet.” Then take a break and give them a few minutes to cool off. Repeat as many times as you dare.
Role Play
If you have a hard time being naturally dominant, you can always try playing a different persona, like a character from a book or movie that you both love. Or you can simply pretend to be a dominatrix. Role-playing can make it much easier to channel that dominant energy — you can tell your partner about your new alter ego in the moment, or you can send them a text letting them know there will be a special guest later that evening.
Get Even More From Bustle — Sign Up For The Newsletter
From hair trends to relationship advice, our daily newsletter has everything you need to sound like a person who’s on TikTok, even if you aren’t.
How To Dominate Your Man In The Bedroom (He REALLY Wants You To)
Chances are, your man wants you to take charge in the bedroom.
Written on Mar 09, 2016
Advertisement
- Share on Facebook
- Share on Twitter
- Share on Pinterest
- Share on Email
- Subscribe to our Newsletter
Learning how to be dominant in the bedroom is something that I think every woman should learn. (No, dominance during sex is not just for men.)
While it’s not one of the usual techniques that I teach in the Bad Girl’s Bible, it can help expand your horizons in the bedroom and help give you more ideas as to what’s possible with your man. With this in mind, I want to give you four tips on mastering dominance in the bedroom with your man.
Advertisement
I’m going to start easy and then progress to tips that take a bit more effort and courage to try.
1. There is both a physical and mental aspect to dominance.
The first thing that comes to most people’s minds when they think about being dominant in the bedroom is usually whips, leather, and chains. This is certainly a whole lot of fun when dominating your partner, but it’s not always necessary and is actually on the extreme side of domination.
There are much more subtle and sometimes more powerful ways exert dominance over your partner. These range from simply saying something subtle to him like, “I really like it when you do things for me,” to a bit more assertive language like saying something like, “I’m going to decide when you get to orgasm.”
Advertisement
But that’s just the verbal aspect of being dominant. There is also the physical aspect. This might start as something small like giving him some soft, subtle spanks during sex, or on the more extreme end, like insisting on woman-on-top sex positions only or even giving him some very dominant oral sex.
2. Start with a dominant sexual position.
Probably the easiest way to introduce a more dominant side of yourself in the bedroom is through new sex positions. Instead of the usual positions like missionary and “doggy-style”, where your man is on top and the one in control, try switching to positions where you’re on top and calling the shots.
The obvious position that comes to mind for this is “cowgirl”, where your man is on his back and you are on top of him, straddling him, but there are other great positions for dominating your man, too. These include positions like “sofa surprise”, where your man sits down on a sofa, couch or chair and you straddle him. In this position it’s very hard for him to go anywhere and again, you’re the one in control.
3. Start to command.
One of the biggest hurdles to dominating your man is that he may feel emasculated. If this is the case, then he may try to rebel and try to regain control. The best way to prevent this is to take things slowly and build up your dominant behavior. (I give you lots of examples of this in this instructional presentation here.)
Advertisement
Start with giving him small verbal commands and asking him to do favors for you, “Would you mind taking out the trash?” or “Can you go and warm up the bed for me?” or “I want you to make me come first, before you do, okay?” All of these commands are things that are very hard for your man to object to, but they are perfect for laying the groundwork of being more dominant over him.
Once you have mastered using these subtle dominant commands over him, then it’s time to start slowly taking it up a gear and being more demanding of him, “I want to spend the weekend with you, don’t make any plans, okay?” or “I don’t want you wearing that football shirt anymore” or “From now on, you need to ask me for permission to come when we’re having sex.” If you find that it’s hard to get your man to comply with these more intense commands, then it’s best to reel them back a bit, before trying again.
4. Domination games.
Some of the example commands that I just gave you are quite intense and go further than you wish to go with your man. If you are someone who really only wants to dominate your man in the bedroom, then try these domination games:
- Not A Sound: The next time you’re having sex with your man, tell him you want to play a game. Tell him you’re going to make him want to groan with pleasure, but that he isn’t allowed to make a sound. It’s an incredibly simple game to play, but a perfect way to start introducing the idea to him that you’re the one in control.
- Pin Him Down: Physically restraining your man is very hot. Now, I’m not actually talking about pinning his arms over his head with your arms, I’m talking about taking it a little further than that, tying his arms above his head. The best way to introduce this is to simply ask him if he would be interested in trying it out and then getting whatever restraints you need.
Surprising him with some rope and restraints is not such a good idea and can unnerve him, so remember that it’s always better to talk to him about it first.
Advertisement
If you liked these tips on how to dominate your man and be more dominant in general and would like to learn more sex tips, then you will find a wealth of information on the Bad Girl’s Bible to spice things up, keep your relationship fun and have some very hot sex, including a detailed and powerful video tutorial on how to give your man intense oral sex! Click here to watch it now.
